It is now September of 2005 I have 2 beautiful little girls who are my hole life. I live in a 3 bedroom house and was doing ok so I thought. I had some rough times but was so far gone in my own world I didn't even notest what I was doing. I was in denial that I was having problems and needed help. It took a couple of nabors and some really close friends to step in and help me look at my life. I was mad at first and didn't want to believe them. I felt betrayed but looking back now I know they were only trying to help. I was seen for postpartum depression for several months until I felt I had everything under control.
My husband was home for a short 8 months before deciding to go back out for another long term project. I was happy for him to be gone this time because after getting back the first time things were not good. We would fight constantly over the littlest thing. Money, discipline for the kids, and sex were the biggest thing. He tended to go overboard with the discipline for the kids and after not being there for more than a year he thought he could just jump into everything all at once. I spent more than a year being a single mom, trying to do everything and it was like that was all taken away in an instant.
The worst part of all this is I didn't even notest at first what was going on. I was happy for him to be home but it seemed all of the sudden I had a third kid that expected me to do everything I was doing plus find time to do everything he wished of me. I was to cook every meal, clean the entire house from top to bottom everyday, have dinner on the table when he got home from work, make sure the kids did what they were supposed to and behaved like adults every moment of everyday and I did this liked asked every moment of every day without companying.
He then stepped in for things like finances and discipline. Two things I had work every hard on and we didn't see eye to eye on. He was very cruel with punishment. He would have my 2 year old doing military style PT and would get in her face and yell at her like she was in boot camp. I tried to step in and instead him stopping and calming down he would become furious and direct his anger toward me. He had yet to hit me but would yell and scream the most obscene offensive things. I took it all with stride and would still go on with my day like nothing happened but it slowly was eating me up inside. If he felt that the kids had done deserved them to get a spanking he would hit them so hard and went overboard on how many he would give them. I found bruises on there bottoms on several occasions but didn't know what to do about it. I felt like I couldn't protect my own kids.
One time I remember clearly, We were all sitting around eating. I was still breast feeding my now 4 month old and she was hungry too. She was in a bouncy chair in the living room screaming. He was getting upset with the fact that she was screaming and I though he was going to pick her up to calm her down so I could finish eating. Instead he picked her up by the leg and started shaking her. I just up almost pushing the hole table over to get to her. I grabbed her and he stomped his way upstairs slamming the door behind him. I should have grabbed both the kids and left but didn't know what to do or where to go so I stayed.
The one and only time he has ever hit me I remember clearly. He can be a smart ass with some of the sarcastic comments he makes. He said something that I didn't think was that funny. I smacked him upside the backside of his head and he out of response punch forward hitting me in the chest. I knocked the wind out of me. I ran upstairs to get out of his way. Some people think I am trying to find a way to make it ok that he did this and maybe I am but this is the one and only time he ever did this so I have come to think it was not on purpose.
He left to another year long project in august of 2006. I took this time to look at my life. Where it is and where I want it to be. I tried to take some college classes unsuccessfully for the 2nd time. I spent allot of time out of the house, partying, clubbing finding every reason not to be where his memories would be there. I meet someone one night and not thinking much about what I was doing I took him home and stayed for a little while.
Over the next couple of months I got to know this person and came to the retaliation that the way I was being treated by my husband was not ok. I decided I wanted to leave and started planing how I would do it. The guy I was spending time with was getting ready to move which made me sad to see him go but I had some much to thank him for he is one of several people to help me understand my life and open up my eyes to see what life is really about.
My husband came home and I still was unsure what I would do. He then started talking about moving us all to Europe for a couple of years for work. I didn't want to go with him so one day while he was at work. I started loading up the car with what I could and moved in with a friend. Later that night he showed up on her door step uninvited and unannounced. We talked for a couple of minutes and he gave me an ultimatum. I needed to go with him and talk things through or he would be taking the only car and I would be stuck out in the middle of no where. I decided to go with him and there is not a day that goes by I don't regret this decision.
In October 2006 I went in for my normal year checkup to find I had cancerous cells on my cervics. I told my husband scared and worried. He didnt have much of a reaction. I went into treatment by my self with no support and in the next 6 months had 3 biopsys and numerous appointment to get rid of it all. I continue to go every 6 months for an exam and so far all seems clear but it was an all new low in my life to be fighting for parts of my reproductive system and have no support in the process.
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